The Lame Walk, The Blind See, The Seizing Stop

There are some patients who, for reasons best known to themselves, enjoy the attention that serious illness brings. In their benign form, they create logjams of the "worried well" in our emergency departments. In their less-benign form, they provoke heart attacks in others who would otherwise have not suffered that fate.

The people who aid young and idealistic doctors like me in identifying these patients, are - as always - that particular indomitable species known as the ER nurse. They are the backbone of the department and an invaluable source of knowledge and learning for the physicians.

He came to the ER for a simple little cough, and his complaint thus placed him at the very end of the list of patients to be seen. Simple coughs are hardly priority medical issues when stacked against heart attacks. Peeved, he took a seat in the waiting room.

Minutes later, pandemonium broke out.

"He's seizing!" someone yelled. "HELP!"

Quick as a flash, the nurses went to see what the hubbub was about.

Our man with the cough lay on the floor of the waiting room, jerking most unconvincingly.

The head nurse, a lady with more years of nursing than I have of living, stepped forward.

"Mr. X," she commanded sternly. "Stop that at once and get off that filthy floor!"

He opened an eye, looked at her, one foot still hopefully trembling.

"NOW!" she said. "Do you know how dirty that floor is???"

Having determined that she wasn't joking, he meekly got off the floor, took his seat, and hung his head.

"Now," the head nurse continued, addressing the waiting room at large, "there will be no more of this business going on!"

And thus another peaceful day in the ER ended for me.